Friday, May 19, 2006
A Fuck Up
If you know me, or if you read this journal, or if both...you know that I tend to be an extremely emotional person that loses my balance over TYPICALLY inconsequential things.
Tonight...or today rather...I fucked up by telling a family secret to a friend and another family member that wasn't my secret to tell. Granted, it's a HAPPY secret and not a gossip-laden family secret...in fact, it's a secret that makes me more proud of my family than ever before.
But in all fairness, it wasn't my secret to tell. Yet I did, cuz in a lot of ways I don't understand why I can't scream to high heavens how amazing the secret is! While it's not my secret to talk about, it absolutely, indirectly, affects me and I blew it wide open to certain people. Not for any personal gain, but for the sheer excitement of sharing and talking about it.
After I told the secret, I called those who asked me to shut my mouth and told them of my mistake. Unfortunately, while they were kind, the anger and disappointment was clear and I ended up in tears over the fact that I "fucked up". When the owner of the secret asked me "Why do you have to make this about you?", I actually started to sob and said "I never meant that. I wanted it to be about US and the excitement and anticipation that goes with it!". It made no difference.
I gotta say...and knowing that some of these people may read this journal...
Why are there so many stipulations?
Why do we have to abide by "rules"?
Why can't we each experience these new developments on our own level and enjoy and process them as such?
And yet...Why am I always the guy that seems to break all the "rules"?
I wasn't gossiping. I didn't set out to make this my own story or my own glory...I just wanted to talk to a few people that would encourage, support, and get excited about the new developments coming into the family life.
And if that's wrong, sobeit.
But I refuse to sit here and feel regret over the conversations I had. They were important to ME. It may not be about ME, but it definitely affects me and I THINK...I THINK (and I am ALLOWED TO THINK), that I should be, in most ways free to experience and enjoy this secret as much as possible.
I hurt people tonight and I am devastated over that fact.
But how appropriate that when I talk about something close to my heart, I'm called the typical "big mouth".
If only these people could realize how wonderful life would be if we all stopped living by these superficial and ultimately bullshit rules.
Yeah...happy weekend.
If you know me, or if you read this journal, or if both...you know that I tend to be an extremely emotional person that loses my balance over TYPICALLY inconsequential things.
Tonight...or today rather...I fucked up by telling a family secret to a friend and another family member that wasn't my secret to tell. Granted, it's a HAPPY secret and not a gossip-laden family secret...in fact, it's a secret that makes me more proud of my family than ever before.
But in all fairness, it wasn't my secret to tell. Yet I did, cuz in a lot of ways I don't understand why I can't scream to high heavens how amazing the secret is! While it's not my secret to talk about, it absolutely, indirectly, affects me and I blew it wide open to certain people. Not for any personal gain, but for the sheer excitement of sharing and talking about it.
After I told the secret, I called those who asked me to shut my mouth and told them of my mistake. Unfortunately, while they were kind, the anger and disappointment was clear and I ended up in tears over the fact that I "fucked up". When the owner of the secret asked me "Why do you have to make this about you?", I actually started to sob and said "I never meant that. I wanted it to be about US and the excitement and anticipation that goes with it!". It made no difference.
I gotta say...and knowing that some of these people may read this journal...
Why are there so many stipulations?
Why do we have to abide by "rules"?
Why can't we each experience these new developments on our own level and enjoy and process them as such?
And yet...Why am I always the guy that seems to break all the "rules"?
I wasn't gossiping. I didn't set out to make this my own story or my own glory...I just wanted to talk to a few people that would encourage, support, and get excited about the new developments coming into the family life.
And if that's wrong, sobeit.
But I refuse to sit here and feel regret over the conversations I had. They were important to ME. It may not be about ME, but it definitely affects me and I THINK...I THINK (and I am ALLOWED TO THINK), that I should be, in most ways free to experience and enjoy this secret as much as possible.
I hurt people tonight and I am devastated over that fact.
But how appropriate that when I talk about something close to my heart, I'm called the typical "big mouth".
If only these people could realize how wonderful life would be if we all stopped living by these superficial and ultimately bullshit rules.
Yeah...happy weekend.
